Nice Guys Finish Last

Caleb slumped down in his chair and let the pencil in his hand fall to the desk. He rubbed his eyes with the palms of both his hands and sighed deeply. He’d been in the library for what felt like a century. In reality, it had only been three hours, but he was exhausted. No matter how much he studied, there was no way he was going to pass Mr. Vogle’s physics final. There was just too much to remember, too many big words and incomplete theories. He wasn’t a physics major and he didn’t know why he took the class in the first place; it had been nothing but a pain in his backside, and GPA, since he started taking it. But for some reason he’d stuck with it. The final test had arrived along with every other stressful end of the semester test and project, and Caleb could feel himself drowning.

He decided to give his brain a mental break by staring off into space. He was looking across the room at a table of girls who were laughing with one another in a quiet way. They were all on their laptops, snacking on fries from brown paper sacks with grease stains, talking about classes they shared. Caleb kept staring in their direction, but would look away occasionally so it wouldn’t seem creepy; it’s just the direction his mindless staring had taken him, but some people had a way of making something out of nothing. He’d been staring at them long enough to watch them shut the lids of their laptops, pick up their things, then leave the library.

Caleb continued to stare in the general direction the girls were sitting a little longer after they had gone, then he noticed something left behind on the table. He took a moment to look around at his surroundings, then shut his physics book. He took another look, contemplating, wondering if anyone would notice if he walked over and picked it up. Before thinking much more, he stood and made his way over to object. It was a notebook; he quickly flipped through the pages and glanced down at the delicate cursive that danced across the lined paper. At the top of each page was the familiar salutation: Dear Diary.

Caleb looked in the direction the girls had walked, but he didn’t see any of them. He looked back at his physics book, still laying closed on the table he had spent the last three hours of his life at, then started walking toward the library exit, hoping to find the owner of the journal. He wondered, as he looked for the girls, which one had written in this particular notebook. He tried to remember what they all looked like. Were there four or five of them? He couldn’t recall.

He walked to the library entrance and didn’t see them standing around anywhere. He ran outside and again didn’t see any of the girls from the table either waiting for the bus or sitting on the benches. They were all gone. It was as though the girls had all gone up in a puff of smoke. There was nothing Caleb could do about it, so he went back into the library and took his place in front of his physics book once more. He told himself that he would take the journal to the library’s lost and found as soon as he’d gone through his study guide one more time.

He opened his physics book again and read one full sentence. The journal seemed to be mocking him from the table, desperate to be read. It wouldn’t be a terrible thing to read the journal; maybe it would help him find the owner and then the girl would be happy he had read her diary, or he didn’t have to tell her he’d read it. No one had to know he’d read anyone’s diary, and he didn’t know her so what would the harm be?

Slowly, he eased his physics book shut and pulled the journal toward him. Caleb opened it up to the first page and read:

Dear Diary,

Today is my first day of college. I am finally doing something for me! My mom wanted me to be a nurse like her and my grandmother were, but I told her I didn’t want to. My decided major, as of right now, is music education. I want to do something with music, even though mom doesn’t think it’s very practical. I’m trying to prove to her that you can have a career in music even if you’re not on broadway or singing in a recording studio. Maybe I’ll convince her by graduation. My roommate is nice. Her name is Hallie and she is a theater major. I want to talk to her about her classes and see if I would enjoy doing theater at all. Maybe I could double major? Or change my major completely? Only time will tell!

A dreamer, the girl he was looking for was a dreamer. Also, a risk taker. Caleb wasn’t sure he had the balls to tell his dad that he didn’t want to be an engineer anymore, but this girl had a fearlessness he admired.

Caleb flipped through the pages and read more of the entries. Some were about her parents and how much she missed them, but how much she was enjoying her freedom. Some of them were about boys she’d gone out with, and he was relieved when he’d read that she’d broken up with one of them. He learned a lot about her from the journal, everything almost, except her name.

When the library was getting ready to close, he picked up his physics book and the journal and left the library. He kept telling himself that he could return it the next day, pretend he’d found it just then, and then turn it into the lost and found. He just wanted to know more about this girl. There was something deeply charming about the way she wrote about her friends and family. He was interested in her in a way he couldn’t explain.

When Caleb got back to his dorm, he dropped his backpack by the door, then carefully stashed the journal under his pillow. His roommate wasn’t there; he was probably studying with his girlfriend. Since starting college, Caleb hadn’t gone out with a single person. There wasn’t one girl in any of his classes he’d admired enough to ask, no one he’d met at the library or in any other activity he’d been to. No one had piqued his interest as much as the mystery girl with the journal. There was more studying he needed to do before his tests, but the journal and the comfort of his bunk was calling him. He slipped off his shoes and climbed up onto the top bunk, then pulled the journal out and read another entry:

Dear Diary,

Today was not a good day. I hate to sound so pessimistic, but there was just no making this day better. It started when I completely slept through my 8 am. I swear I had set my alarm for my typical 6:30, but I didn’t wake up until after 9:30! I must have been exhausted after all the tests we had last week, but I was so embarrassed. I emailed the professor, but I think he’s going to dock me points on the final. FUCK. Then I went to the dining hall in March Hall for lunch and Logan was working. As if my day wasn’t shit already. He kept talking to me and wanting me to forgive him, but I can’t. I really tried to after the first girl, but after the second, I just couldn’t. I still feel bad about it, I feel bad for him mostly. Truthfully, I miss him. I’ve been lonely without him. Hallie says he’s no good and I should just move on. I agree with her on some levels, but she doesn’t know him like I do. He’s had a lot of bad things happen in his life and he’s just trying to cope. I just wish he could cope without cheating on me. The evening ended with a lot of homework and a fight between Hallie and Karen in our dorm. Hallie is pissed at Karen for ditching us next weekend to go out with some guy. We’ve been planning this camping trip for months and she’d just rather hang out with some guy she met on Tinder. I understand why Hallie was pissed, but I just wish the yelling didn’t have to happen in our room after quiet hours had already begun. We all got in big trouble with the RA, even though I wasn't yelling. It’s still my room, I guess. Now I’m going to be scrubbing toilets on Thursday. It’s all just shitty. Thankfully Hallie and Karen made up. Hopefully they don’t fight again while we’re cleaning on Thursday.

Caleb once more admired the young woman whose experiences he was reading about. It sounded like she had been through some hard times since coming to college. Mostly he felt she was picking the wrong kind of guys. Caleb couldn’t speak for the character of Logan, he didn’t know him on a personal level, but anyone who would cheat on someone as perfect as his mystery girl had to be considered an idiot. It occurred to him then that he could meet Logan if he really wanted to. Logan worked in March Hall and if he went to March Hall and met Logan, there was a chance he could meet the girl whose journal he’d been reading. It was possible she ate there often, especially since it was the most popular dining hall on campus. If he could meet her there and return the journal to her personally, it was likely that she would be grateful enough to at least have lunch with him. During their lunch he could prove to her that he was the kind of man she deserved; someone who was kind, considerate, and knew absolutely everything about her.

He put the journal back under his pillow and closed his eyes. While he was waiting for sleep, he made a plan. First to go see Logan, then to meet the woman of his dreams. The next morning, Caleb found himself in March Hall, standing in line for breakfast in the dining hall. He thought it was possible that the journal girl was in that very line, getting herself something to eat before her 8 am. He wondered what she would get. Perhaps a scoop of eggs and some bacon? Maybe a pastry, lightly buttered and an iced coffee. Caleb wasn’t sure what he was going to get, but he knew he was going to visit every meal station until he found some loser with a name tag that read “Logan”.

Caleb grabbed a tray and a plate, then made his way around the cafeteria. They had a lot of good looking food out, but no one named Logan manning the stations. In the journal, his girl had gone to the dining hall for lunch. It was possible Logan only worked during the lunch hour. Caleb grabbed himself a muffin and a glass of orange juice, then sat down at a table in the corner. He didn’t have a class until 2 pm that day, so he could sit at that table studying and snacking until after the shift changed from breakfast to lunch. Hopefully Logan would be working, if not, Caleb would have to return after his classes were over for the day and see if he was working dinner.

Instead of pulling his physics book out of his backpack and studying for his final like he should have been, he pulled out the journal again and continued reading:

Dear Diary,

I am changing my major! After finals week, that is. I’ve decided that music education is no longer my path and performance is. I know my parents will be disappointed, but it’s my life and I have to live it. Not them. It’s scary, but I think it will make me happy.

I’ve been going to watch Hallie in her improv group at the student union every Thursday and I love it. I think I might audition for one of the groups next fall. Improv is a good skill to have when you’re considering stage performance. Until auditions, I’ll continue watching to see if I can learn something. Hallie said she would help me prepare for the audition next year as well, so I’m hoping that will give me an edge over the new freshman.

Logan called me last night. He asked me to meet him out on the quad around midnight. Against my better judgment, I went out and met with him. It was quite romantic out there with only the streetlights. Of course, he went through his string of promises. He said he misses me, he’s going to be better, he hates that he hurt me, blah, blah, blah. I’ve heard it a million times before. Yet, this time, I believed him. We ended up kissing and holding each other. It was one of the most beautiful and romantic nights of my life. I’m in love with Logan and I know he’s an asshole, but I can’t seem to walk away from him. Hallie is going to be pissed with me when I tell her. But, again, it’s my life and I’ve got to be the one who lives it.

Caleb shut the journal and leaned his head back. She’s in love? With an asshole like Logan? Of course she is. Good girls always go for bad guys. They never want someone nice like him. Caleb had lost his fair share of nice girls to horrible boys who didn’t deserve the attention all because they looked good with their shirts off. Caleb assumed Logan was probably some Calvin Klein model looking asshole who got off on hurting women and only cared about his looks. He couldn’t believe his mystery girl could be so dimwitted about such an obvious situation; Caleb thought she was smarter than that.

The hours passed while Caleb kept his nose dug into the pages of his mystery girl’s diary. There was no time or energy for anything else; he was absorbed into the mystery girl’s stories. The highs and lows of her life filled him with excitement and interest until the shift change occurred for the lunch hour in the March Hall dining room. The crew who had served him breakfast and had cleaned the tables around the cafeteria were replaced by fresh faces wearing fresh aprons. The new group of workers looked well rested in comparison to the morning crew; at least, as well rested as a college kid can look the week before finals.

Caleb stood up and slung his backpack over his shoulder, then got in line. He moved from station to station, not really looking or caring what was being served. Then he came to the pasta station and came face to face with Logan. He was tall and covered with freckles. He wasn’t as attractive as Caleb had anticipated; he definitely didn’t look like a model. But Caleb could see what women would find attractive in him. His hair was dark and pulled back into a short ponytail, most likely for work. His eyes were light blue and were striking to look into at first; it caught Caleb off guard to be looking into them.

“Dude, what are you staring at? It’s pasta. Do you need it explained or something?” Logan asked with a disgusted look on his face. He was a dick too, Caleb decided, but he already knew that from his girl’s journal.

“Uh, no, sorry. I was just thinking about something,” Caleb said, averting his eyes down to the noodles sitting under the heat lamp. There were two different noodle shapes: spaghetti and rotini; and two different sauces: red and white. Each container had a large serving spoon sticking out of it and Logan was waiting to know what Caleb wanted on his plate. “Can I just have the rotini noodles with the white sauce,” he ordered, quickly. It was a shitty choice; Caleb doesn’t even like the white sauce.

Logan started dishing out the pasta and sauce onto the plate. Caleb’s mind scrambled; he hadn’t thought about what he would say to Logan, not really. In his head, he thought the conversation would just naturally turn to the mystery girl, but since it wasn’t, he was at a loss. His head scrambled. “Hey, uh, this is going to be weird, but you’re an attractive guy,” Caleb started. Logan’s eyes widened with concern and Caleb’s heart started beating faster. “No, not like that. I’m not gay. I just- shit, I was just curious, um, about girls? Like, do you get a lot of them? How do you get them, I guess?”. He talked quickly and there was sweat starting to bead around his hairline and under his arms.

Logan’s posture relaxed visibly and he sighed, “Bro, you need to unclench, for real. Girls hate that,”.

“Unclench, got it,” Caleb replied.

“I guess I date quite a bit. It’s really just about telling them exactly what they want to hear, right? If she asks you if she looks good, you say yes. If she wants to know if you’re seeing other people, you say no. Are you following?” Logan asked. Caleb nodded. “Right, so if you do that, and then unclench, you should be good. What’s your major?”

“Uh, engineering,” Caleb responded.

“Good, tell girls that. They’ll see the potential in you. Even if you are a total loser, engineers make a shit ton of money and girls like to think they’ll eventually make a buck off you,” Logan said.

Caleb nodded again. He was getting a lot of information from Logan, but nothing he really wanted to know. As far as advice was concerned, his dating advice was shaky at best; Caleb had no idea what his girl was thinking of dating this guy. He was disappointed thinking he would never find out, then a girl slid up next him in line.

Logan smiled, “Hey, Hallie,” he said in a voice far more charming than the one he’d been using during their conversation.

“Logan,” the girl replied.

Caleb looked over at the girl. Her hair was long and brown. She had big beautiful brown eyes and was wearing overall shorts with a lavender top underneath. He also recognized her as one of the girls in the library. His heart started beating fast and his hands began to sweat.

Hallie didn’t smile at Logan, but stared right through him. There was a tension between them and Caleb immediately felt uncomfortable in their presence, but this was the closest he’d ever been to his mystery girl. He was standing there, among her roommate and her boyfriend. If he played his cards right, not only could he meet the mystery girl, but he could also win over her friends.

“Pasta? Today it’s your choice of tasteless garbage and spaghetti,” Logan said, sarcastically. Then he glanced at Caleb, “Sorry, dude,”.

Caleb chuckled, “Uh, no problem,”.

“Logan, you’re being an ass, per usual,” Hallie commented.

“You get what you pay for,” he said, shrugging his shoulders. Caleb felt like he was on the outside looking in. He was seeing the journal entries, the complicated relationships of his girl’s friends, playing out in front of him. He was fascinated watching them, seeing how they interacted with one another based on their feelings for a mutual friend. A friend Caleb knew as well, all too well, but they didn’t know that.

Hallie rolled her eyes, “I don’t know what Amelia sees in you. Give me the spaghetti,”.

Amelia. The name rang in Caleb’s ears like church bells. Amelia; his mystery girl. Finally a name to attach the feelings and experiences he’d been reading about. He wasn’t sure he could be in love with a name, but he was immediately.

Logan dished out the spaghetti onto Hallie’s plate. “Where is my girlfriend, by the way? Don’t you guys usually have lunch together?” he asked.

“She’s on her way. She wanted to attend a study session after her morning class,” Hallie explained.

Caleb’s heart started beating faster. Amelia was coming here. He was going to see her with his own eyes. He could meet her, maybe give her back her journal. Then maybe she would see how nice of a guy he was and decide she needed to date a nicer guy; a nicer guy, like him, for instance.

As calmly and as cooly as he possibly could, Caleb walked back to the table in the corner of the dining hall he’d been occupying all morning. He picked at his pasta and decided Logan was right: it was pretty bland. He watched as Hallie moved through the lunchroom and chose a table not too far from his. Secretly, he hoped that she would invite him to join her. Caleb felt they had bonded over their annoyance with Logan and perhaps he could be a welcome ally to Hallie.

Then he saw her. Her hair was strawberry blonde and her nose was speckled with freckles. She had a big smile on her face as she approached the table where Hallie was sitting. Amelia set down her large backpack next to Hallie and said something excitedly that Caleb couldn’t hear. Then Amelia ran around and got in the line for food. When she had her plate and tray, she immediately made a beeline for Logan’s pasta station. She smiled at him with big round eyes that looked like saucers, and Caleb felt jealousy sitting like a boulder in his stomach; he wanted Amelia to look at him that way. Caleb watched as she talked to Logan, then as she walked around the lunch room filling her plate from different stations. When she finally sat down at her table, Caleb had already built up the courage to go over and talk to her.

Caleb approached her and Hallie, who were already giggling about something he hadn’t heard. “Hi, uh, you don’t know who I am, but I saw you both in the library the other day and one of you left this journal on the table,” he said, producing the journal in front of him.

Immediately, Amelia’s eyes lit up with recognition, “That’s mine,” she said, then she held out her hand for Caleb to hand over the journal. “I went to the library and went through the lost and found, but it wasn’t there,” she said.

Caleb’s face felt hot, “Yeah, I guess I didn’t think about taking it to the lost and found,” he stuttered.

“Oh my god, you didn’t read it, did you?” Amelia asked, her brow furrowed.

Caleb’s heart started beating fast. He could feel himself breaking out in a sweat and knew he had to keep his cool. This was not the response he’d hoped for at all. He hadn’t expected her to place blame on him; he had just been trying to do something good.

“Why would you even take a journal if you don’t know who it belongs to?” Hallie added, her face now contorting into the iciest stare Caleb had ever been on the receiving end of.

“Especially since my name isn’t anywhere in the damn thing. How did you even find me? How’d you know I would be here unless you’d read it?” Amelia accused.

Caleb didn’t know what to say. His brain was scrambling for a response. Why had he taken the journal? Why had he invaded this girl’s privacy for the sake of piqued interest? All the alarms in his head were going off and he thought he would start crying in front of the love of his life. He knew Amelia and her heart, but she didn’t know his; that’s what the problem was. She couldn’t see that he was a good guy with good intentions; she was just assuming he was some sort of creep for reading her journal. She needed to know he wasn’t a bad guy, “Look, I’m sorry. I’m not a bad guy. I just thought I could find you and get it back to you quickly. I didn’t mean to hurt you or scare you. I just read your journal and thought you were so interesting and I wanted to meet you,” Caleb explained.

“Yeah, that’s super creepy, dude,” Hallie said, her face still scowling.

“Yeah, what the fuck,” Amelia retorted.

They were making Caleb angry. He felt embarrassed and annoyed; he’d gone through great lengths to get the journal back to Amelia and now she was treating him like some sort of creep. He wasn’t a creep; he knew he wasn’t a creep. Then he boiled over: “I thought you were a much nicer person, but you’re just an ungrateful bitch like all the other girls at this school,”. The words escaped him before he could think about them and then Hallie was standing. She sunk her hands deep into the spaghetti on her plate, then flung it right at his face. It all happened so slowly and so quickly at the same time. All at once, he was covered in sauce and noodles and the girls were laughing at him. As he looked around, he saw people beginning to stare. Some of them joined the girls in their laughter, others just stared with wide eyes wondering what would happen next.

This had gone on far too long. Caleb had failed to get the girl and was covered in spaghetti. He had crossed a boundary; he had stalked a girl he didn’t even know and thought he would come out as the hero. In his mind, he was the good guy in the story. The line between good and bad is thin, thinner than Caleb had expected.

Caleb went back to his dorm and cleaned himself up. As he picked the spaghetti noodles out of his hair, he couldn’t help thinking: nice guys always finish last.