The Second January Blog

If you’re reading this, that means I’ve written two completely separate, completely different blog posts this month. If this is the one you’re reading, then I’ve had at least a slight change of heart. Possibly I’ve started to turn around and start seeing the good in things in my day to day instead of the bad.

At the beginning of the week, a dump truck load of snow fell from the sky and ruined my whole week. Icy roads, freezing temperatures, and canceled plans have had me in an angry slump this past week. My anxiety has been high and my hands have not felt warmth in so long; the curse of January has returned.

The other blog I wrote for this month was less of a blog about my life and more of an op-ed about hibernating in the winter. That’s what I’ve been wanting to do this week: lay in bed, in the dark. Maybe I’d get up to go to the bathroom, but nothing else. If I didn’t leave my bed, then I wouldn’t have to deal with the cold or the icy roads, which felt so appealing. I wasn’t putting much thought into my attitude when I was writing the essay. It just felt silly, but with some underlying seriousness. 

I once had a therapist tell me I’m negative. Me? Negative? It felt very funny to me, because I don’t feel like I am a negative person. In fact, I’ve always thought of myself as a pretty positive person. Customers at work always compliment me on how positive I am and how happy I seem, one even calling me “the bouncy one” because he doesn't know my name. Perhaps that’s just a personality I put on at work; my positive personality may only exist as a performance for strangers and people I don’t feel comfortable being myself with. 

For the past year, I’ve started thinking of myself as more of a negative person. I’m often not nice in my head, especially to myself. I have a very pessimistic view of the world, and my customer service job obliterates my faith in humanity about once a week. I don’t want to feel that way, as much as it feels ingrained in my head. Recently I’ve noticed myself backsliding into the bad thoughts and ways I’ve been trying to avoid for the past year.  I haven’t been as complementary to myself as I was trying to be, nor have I been doing my best to see the good in the bad. I feel like people have a hard time doing those things anyway, but for me, it ends up being a slippery slope into a complete downward spiral. 

I’ve been very negative this week, very angry. I’ve been working on my book a lot lately, mostly editing things and changing names, but reading it never makes me feel good. I’m hoping this will be the last time I have to read it ever again from start to finish. I’ve been angry with my job for a whole slew of reasons I couldn’t reasonably verbalize without going on a tangent. I haven’t felt like myself. 

The long weekend came at just the right time along with some crazy low temperatures. So low, the expectation for anyone to be leaving their house has been meager. Jacob and I decided it would be best to stay indoors all weekend (with the exception of Saturday night because Jacob had tickets to the Chief’s game and he wasn’t about to miss it). 

On Sunday morning, we made breakfast and moved everything we thought we would need for the day into our bedroom. Our bedroom is the warmest room in the house. The room along with the laundry room and ensuite bathroom were all built in 2008; the rest of our home was built in the 1890s. Even though we spent a whole year knocking down lath and plaster walls, replacing them with insulation and drywall, it still gets much colder. The bedroom is also just a smaller space and easier to contain heat. The reasoning is not necessarily important, we just wanted to spend the whole day in our bedroom. We turned down the heat in the rest of our house and holed up for the day with video games, snacks, and movies. 

The dogs didn’t care to be in one room all day, but they spent a lot of the day in the room with us. It was nice when we were all in there together, cuddled up under the blankets. It was the day I needed to recharge and reconnect with Jacob and our dogs. We had a good day, albeit not very productive, but good. It was a time for prioritizing fun and rest. 

Today is Monday, but it’s a bank holiday and I didn’t have to work. Jacob works until five and I had no plans for the day, so I did whatever I wanted to do today. That started with dropping Gert off at a vet appointment and stopping at a gas station for a drink and breakfast. I made sure to bring coffee and a breakfast sandwich home for Jacob as well. I did my pilates, I dyed my roots, I made brownies from scratch. I took my time, I didn’t force myself to do anything I didn’t want to do. 

In the past, it never occurred to me that the winter was a time for taking things slow; for taking a step back and just letting life happen. It’s a time for quietly working on yourself and recuperating from the ending of a year, regardless of how the year went. January has always been a rough month for me and I know it is for a lot of people, but it doesn’t have to be. There is good happening, even when it can’t be seen through the snow.  

I’m probably going to be negative again next week. I’m probably going to get all in my head, say things I don’t mean, and proceed to slip back into my negative hole. I hope I don’t, but I’m only human. I haven’t given up hope though, and that’s better than I was doing this time last year.

My wish for 2024 is that the year is filled with more days like today. I hope there are days I catch myself really feeling alive, appreciating the warmth around me even on the coldest days. When I forget myself, I hope I find myself again. When I get angry, stressed, and sad that I still can find the good and keep going. That my fear and frustration never keep me from living; I’ve spent a lot of my life letting all the negative thoughts keep me on autopilot. I want to use this year to change, to become the positive person I’ve always thought myself to be. 

Maybe I’ll still publish that essay I was writing about hibernating as one of my short stories, just because I do think it is a little silly. I just didn’t want to publish without first reminding my readers that there is good in everything. It’s there even if it’s not what you expect, or what you want. I struggle to see it in the winter, but it’s there. 

When I started journaling last year, I ended every entry with a few things I was thankful for. This year, maybe I’ll try to incorporate that into my blogs. This month I am thankful that everyone I care about is safe. I’m thankful for a warm home filled with a warm husband and puppies. I’m thankful for rest. 

I hope you, reader and friend, have things you’re thankful for this month as well.