Angry Teeth

I had my wisdom teeth removed a week ago and the only kind of writing I can seem to accomplish is angry writing. There is some science behind anger being the first emotional reaction to physical pain, so in the week since my surgery anger has been at the forefront of my emotions. I haven’t been verbally angry, as I rarely am, but I’ve only been able to write in an angry tone. I’ve been trying to write a witty and funny blog for my friends and family to read, but I’m not really in a joking mood. I’m not ready to talk about the pain in my mouth yet as if it’s funny to me, because it’s not. I’m pissed that it’s been a week and I still wake up feeling like I’ve been smacked across the face with a 2x4. I’m pissed that I still can't eat any solid foods; I’ve been trying to add some more solids into my diet, but it has not been going quite as smoothly as I’d hoped.

There has been plenty to be angry about in the past week. For some reason, things just haven’t been going well and there’s no specific reason why. I almost wish there was so I could address the problem and move on, but instead I’ve been caught in an awkward, frustrating limbo. My anger and irritation has made it quite difficult to write, especially my blog. Lighthearted anecdotes and jokes haven’t come to me quite as easily as they normally do. I would say I’ve felt joy many times over the last week, but it hasn’t been my default emotion. My default emotions have been stress, anger, and annoyance.

There are numerous reasons for this default. As I’ve already said, I’ve been in a lot of pain. I’ve been annoyed that the pain medication I’ve been taking never seems to last long enough and it never makes the pain fully subside. I’ve been waking up in pain and falling asleep to it like a lullaby at night. After a while, it gets old. It’s made every day tasks far more infuriating than usual, especially work.

Work has been its own beast lately. We have been aggressively understaffed for a while and when someone is gone, we are left with a skeleton crew that can barely keep up with the amount of business we get. It’s an issue that’s hopefully going to be fixed very soon, but we’ve been short staffed all week. My coworker also had a procedure done on Tuesday and missed three days of work due to pain. I understood why she had chosen to stay home; I wished I had chosen to stay home. It was difficult being understaffed and in pain. There wasn’t nearly as much time for me to make sure I was taking care of myself. I was angry because I wanted to be home nursing myself back to health, and unfortunately, it was not possible for me to do so.

I’ve been feeling better lately. I’m still sore in the back of my jaw, but the bottom half of my face isn’t throbbing like it was. I’m ready to use straws again and to eat chips and queso. In recent days I’ve been able to eat solid foods and I’ve been in a much better mood, but being in a bad mood has had me wallowing in my anger again.

I’ve returned to working on my book. Earlier this year I took a break from it because I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with it and because I felt like I was just wallowing in my grief. This week, my book was the only thing I could bring myself to write, because a lot of the things I’m writing about make me angry. My childhood gave me a lot of reasons to be resentful and sometimes I’m not sure if I’ve fully processed those emotions.

I can always tell when I’m angry while writing. My fingers move quickly across the keyboard and the words come with more velocity. I am more well-spoken in my animosity when I am writing. It’s easier for me to be exact about what is upsetting me. There is also more resolution; I am able to decide how I would like to handle my anger and what those feelings mean for me. Throughout college, I was a very angry person and my default emotion was often one of annoyance or indifference. Since I’ve started writing more about my anger, I haven’t felt it quite as fervently, because I am able to process it. Whether I have processed all my anger completely, I can’t say. I think there will always be things that have happened in my life that will make me angry to think about, but I think that’s okay.

Feeling irritation as my default emotion for the past week has felt unhealthy and stressful. I’m happy now that I’m on the other side of my healing journey and I’m looking forward to the week to come, even though I can still feel the residual stress from last week. The best thing I can do for myself is look forward and keep moving. Some weeks, the hardest weeks, that’s all I can really do.