Don't Abandon Your Friends Who Have Kids - They Still Need You

When my best friend told me she was having a baby when we were nineteen, I wasn't quite sure how to feel. I've always been more focused on going to school and getting my career started than I have been starting a family. My friend hasn't always felt that way. I remember being in high school with her and thinking it was weird how much she loved babies. I took advantage of that though when we had those plastic babies you take care of in Child Development.

We were a year out of high school and we hadn't talked all that much since high school. When you live two hours away and you both have your own lives to lives, you kind of lose touch. It's just something that happens. Despite all that, I was invited to my friend's baby shower. I bought her probably the most basic gift you can buy a new mother, because frankly, I didn't know what she needed. I've never had a baby and none of my friends had ever had a baby. I played the baby themed games and watched her smile for pictures with her other friends and family members.

After the baby was born, I heard from my friend less, but she didn't ever give up on me. She would message me every once and a while telling me how much she missed me and wanted to see me. So one evening when I was home I went over to her house and met her daughter, then took her out to Applebee's for dinner.

At dinner we talked about how different her life was now with a baby; how even simple tasks like going out for dinner were now difficult. We talked about her daughter's dad and the guy I was talking to at college who just wasn't committing. We ate Mozzarella Sticks and just enjoyed each other's company, something we hadn't really done in a while.

About a year later, when life was less insane for both of us, she asked if she could come to Iowa City to visit me. Now her daughter was older and more comfortable with other people in her life: her dad, her grandparents, and her babysitters. My friend wasn't sure how long she was going to be able to stay - it was going to be her first night away from her daughter since she was born. I told her to just come up and stay as long as she wanted.

We picked a weekend and then she was here. I hadn't seen her in such a long time; she looked the same, but she was different. Almost like she was at least ten years older than me, even though I know she's a month younger. She hugged me and bragged that she had actually made time today to look cute and that she was excited to do whatever I had planned.

We started by going shopping for different clothes. I told her to bring clothes to go to a club and she delivered by not being sure what anyone wears to a club. We searched the racks of Forever 21; I would show her a cute crop top and ripped jeans and she would ask me if I was out of my mind. I would show her anything remotely sexy and she would retreat. She told me that ever since her daughter had been born she didn't really like to show off her body anymore. In high school, I remember her not being shy about her body at all. In one of the school plays we were in, we were both in a trio of slutty birds and she was the only one really comfortable with the length of tiny red dresses we wore.

After much searching, we found a dress that was modest, but acceptable for a night out. We grabbed a quick ice cream from Cold Stone, then went straight home to get ready for our friend's improv show and the rest of our night out.

Before we could do any of that, she sat down and FaceTimed her daughter. It was strange to sit there sipping on some spiked juice waiting for her to finish talking to a baby making faces at her. It was cute though; I never think to FaceTime my family before I get drunk. I suppose there's a difference between me calling my 49 year old dad than her calling her one year old daughter though.

After 15 minutes on the phone, we got ready and headed out. We had a great night together: we laughed, we danced, we saw SO MANY people we went to high school with - it was like a mini-reunion. Then the next morning we woke up, went to breakfast, and then she left. She was missing her daughter and needed to get back home to her.

Friday, my friend came up again. This time her hair was shorter, and she was single. She had a stressful couple of months and needed out of the house. We sat and talked a while about her ex, her daughter, her "mom friends", and my boyfriend. Then we went back to the mall. This time we didn't shop as long; only long enough for her to find a dress she deemed worthy of the club. This dress was everything she needed - short, black, low-cut. She tried it on and asked if I liked it. I said "Hell yes". Then she said: "I don't know how you always persuade me into trying stuff like this on," forgetting she was the one who picked it out.

After picking out the dress, she decided she wanted a new lipstick - red - a deep red she probably hadn't worn since high school. We went to Sephora and bought her two new shades - a red for that night and a neutral pink for every other day of the week.

We left the mall with high hopes for the evening and headed home. First we had to stop at Cold Stone though.

At home we talked to Jacob for a while since he was on his lunch break. We told him about our plans for the night and asked if he wanted to come with us to the gay bar. He said "Yes" and we were excited to have someone else joining in on the fun.

Jacob went back to work for another 2 hours and my friend sat down to FaceTime her child again. She talked to her for a while in a baby voice and made faces at her. After a few minutes, she hung up and we started getting ready. She curled her hair and I made sure my eyeliner was thick. We both wore black dresses and red lipstick - coordinating was something we got really good at when we were still in high school.

While waiting for Jacob to get home, we turned on the classics: Hannah Montana, Jonas Brothers, Aly and AJ, etc. We danced around my living room Snapchatting, laughing, and drinking.

By the time Jacob got home, we were both fairly intoxicated. We were so excited to go out to the club, we didn't even give Jacob time to change his clothes. We grabbed our wallets with cash and our IDs, then took off.

We made it to the club just in time to catch the end of the first drag queen's act. We watched as all the drag queens came on stage and strutted their stuff and sang along to all the songs we knew. When the show was over, we danced until we were an ungodly kind of sweaty. Then we decided it was time to head back home.

Jacob and I gave my friend some blankets and a pillow and said our goodbyes. She planned on waking up early in the morning to go back home to her child and I planned on sleeping in until my double shift started.

I woke up to a text from her thanking me for letting her stay and for taking her out. She didn't need to thank me though, because I know the fun night away was something she needed. She spends so much of her life focused on being the adult - a mom - she never really gets the chance to be the young adult that she is.

Our Night Out

If you have a friend who becomes a mother before you, don't let your friendship end because she has a kid. Sure, she has responsibilities, she has someone whose whole livelihood depends on her, but you two are still the same. My friend and I have both had to deal with awful relationships, we both just want to feel confident and beautiful, and we both love ice cream. Maybe your perspective is different, but it helps. Maybe she gives you a different perspective on the way you're living - after all, there's more to life than just living.

Friendship doesn't have to be difficult, and you can always pick things back up where you left off. If you can, be the babysitter when she needs one, or be the escape when things get stressful. She gives so much of herself to everyone, don't expect your friendship to be the same as it was when you were younger. Just love her for the person she is and love her kid for the person they're becoming. The truth is, she needs you and you still need her. Your friendship is important, so keep it alive.