Ramblings From My Existential Crisis 2019

Every year on my birthday or right before my birthday, I begin to question everything in my life and why it all matters. Right now, I'm sitting in my dining room with the glue and shaving cream I used to make slime earlier this week and an empty water bottle I chugged as soon as I got home from work. It's like my childish self, my adult self, and my true self all decided to sit down together and just hang.

I did make slime earlier this week, but not because I'm wanting to be a kid again. I just really wanted something to do with my hands while I was watching TV on my day off, plus I thought it would be something different Jacob and I could do. We go on way too many walks to very uncertain destinations.

So I'm sitting here thinking about my birthday, thinking about Jacob moving in a week, missing Julianna and my dad, thinking about packing up and cleaning my apartment so I can move, thinking about graduating, saying goodbye, and it all just seems like a lot. I'm about to turn 21 and in a couple months I'm going to be moving to another state. When I was younger I thought 21 was old enough to do literally anything: get married, have some kids, move away, and have a job. Now that I am (almost) 21 I feel like that's a lot of responsibility to just give to someone who eats mac and cheese for nearly every meal. In fact, it's all a little scary.

Jacob leaving is the beginning of the end of my time here in Iowa. I'm going to be an absolute wreck when he moves, but no one tell him that, please. He knows I'm a giant baby, but he doesn't need to know that every time I think about him leaving I get misty eyed... ALREADY. He still lives here for a week!

I knew when we arranged for him to live with me that saying goodbye was going to be hard, especially since I hate goodbyes (if you have abandonment issues you know the feels). I don't think I realized that him leaving would cause such a roller coaster of emotions. I'm so sad he won't be here anymore; he won't be here in the mornings when I wake up or in the evenings when I get off work. I am, however, so blessed by the hope it gives me. He's going to go to school and I'm going to do my school and as soon as the semester is over we can be together again, and then neither one of us will have to say goodbye anymore. I look forward to that most of all.

Jacob and I at IHOP at 11 p.m. getting dinner

I am not looking forward to saying goodbye to my friends though. Today, I thought about what it might be like to say goodbye to my friends here. I don't think I ever really thought about it before, but it made me sad. I have made some of the most incredible friends since I moved to Iowa and even more since I started college. They have all supported me or loved me in one way or another, and I do my best to return the favor when I can. Saying goodbye to them when I leave is going to be so hard, but I know most of them I'll see again, especially Julianna. I think if I ever just quit responding to her or making plans with her, she would drive to wherever I was and just punch me in the face. I also freaking adore her, so I would never do that. I also think I'll probably see Hannah again, because I don't think I can go a year without her telling me I'm a "dumb ass" when I make a really dumb joke.

If I'm being honest, I think this is the happiest I've been around my birthday in years. I have so many people in my life that I wish I could just pack up and take through life with me. Unfortunately, I know there is a day, and it's fast approaching, where we'll all be a part. That's okay though, because there will never be anything too big or too important to keep me from seeing them again. Again, I'm a huge baby so now I'm sitting here crying and thinking about never seeing my friends again. That's cool. It's fine. I'm fine.

Snapchat reminded me of what I was doing two years ago today. It was a picture of Julianna sitting in my twin bed (which we both slept in that night) in our pajamas. Our faces were shiny and we had the biggest smiles on our faces. I sent it to Julianna and she said we looked so young, which it's funny to imagine we've aged at all in the past two years. Right now, we're really happy that we look older, but I know in about nine years we're going to look back at that picture and wish we looked like we were 19 again.

July 21, 2017

I remember my nineteenth birthday so vividly, because it was just a tremendously awful day. Julianna was there the weekend before, so I could spend my birthday with my dad and my sister. I remember my dad being oddly cranky that day and going shopping despite me wanting to do literally anything else; the boy I was seeing at the time was also spending his day pretending I didn't exist.

We ate dinner, we went home and ate my cake (which had a purple llama on it (my request)), and opened presents. The only gift I remember getting for that birthday was from Taylor; it was a toy Lightning McQueen car. Taylor always gets me gifts that have to do with inside jokes we have or discussions we've had in the past. That year I believe I had gone on a rant about why Cars is the best Pixar movie, so that was my gift.

After cake, I rushed everyone off, because I wanted to be alone. More specifically, I wanted to hang out with the boy who was ignoring me. Everyone left and I sat up in my room awaiting his text telling me I should come over and hang out. He, instead, told me I could come over when he was done playing soccer with his (female) friend Casey.

I was upset and I didn't feel like I mattered to him (I didn't) and I didn't feel like I mattered to anyone (I do). I just remember shaking so much; maybe I was scared or angry or sad, but I couldn't control it. I got dressed and put on my shoes, then went on a walk. Back then I always walked to the same place: the bridge over the Iowa River that looks out to Hancher Auditorium.

I walked so fast I felt like I was almost running, but my brain was moving so quickly and hurled insult after insult at me. As I stepped onto the bridge, I had decided that I didn't matter and that no one cared about me. I looked out at Hancher, the lights on that building are incredibly beautiful. They dance across the dark river water and they look like stars when you're looking at them through tear-filled eyes. I stood on the bridge for so long and I thought about what it might mean to jump and sink to the bottom of the river. I wondered if the view was different on the other side of the railing and if the air was easier to breathe when your heart stopped. It seemed I had come full circle; I was born to live my 19 years and that was it.

Finally, I let myself actually take a breath. I wasn't going to kill myself. My family still needed me, Julianna still needed me, and there was so much in the world I still wanted to do. Besides all that, I had just gotten a semi-colon tattoo earlier that summer and it would be grossly ironic to kill yourself after getting one of those.

I walked off the bridge and towards home. I checked my phone and saw a text from the boy who said he had seen me out walking and that I looked upset. I would like to say that I went home and told the boy off for hurting my feelings, but I didn't. I went to his apartment with him and had a full on mental breakdown in his room: I cried, I screamed into his pillow, I blamed my childhood, and did literally everything except yell at him for being the worst human ever. I regret that.

If I take stock of all the years I have been on this Earth, I have lived through some hard years. Some years (like last year), I didn't even bother to brush my hair on my birthday. I've also lived through some very beautiful years that have given me so many reasons to be happy I didn't ever jump off a bridge. I hope I always look back at my life on my birthday so I don't forget where I've been; so I appreciate how beautiful my life is going to be from here on out.

Maybe my life is going to change here soon, but it can only get better. Every friend I've made is going to just be a drive or phone call away. Jacob will never be too far away. I can handle the life I have now, and I can handle what's up ahead.

So here's to 21 years of life, and here's to plenty more. I'm not done living yet.