Where's my Voice?

I lost my voice this past week. I couldn't talk in class for my normal participation points, taking orders at work were exceptionally difficult, and I couldn't sing. With school starting and spending every waking moment either reading something for class or writing something for class, I haven't had a whole lot of time for music. Sure, I still rock out to some Christina Aguilera or some musicals in the shower, but I haven't really had the chance to sit down with my guitar and sing for a while. I'll be honest as well, I haven't really written any new music in a while. Maybe a song here or there over the summer, but not like I used to.

When I was in high school, I was in my dad's church band that gave me the opportunity to sing and play once a week. We would perform pretty regularly as well, especially around this time of year with all the surrounding fall festivals. I didn't really do anything special for the band; I sang a few solos, played rhythm guitar, and harmonized when the song required it. The band made me feel special though; playing with people who encouraged me to improve my skills and to push myself made me feel more confident and at home performing in front of people.

Throughout high school, I wrote A LOT of music. All of it is music I look back at now and laugh; not all of the music I've written is good. I think now I have it down to a science, but back when I first started taking it seriously I had no idea what I was doing. The basement my room was in was perfect for song writing. It was a quiet place where I thought no one could hear me play the same thing over and over again. I never realized that 9/10 times my dad was at the top of the stairs listening to me play.

I always thought I wanted to do something with music. I wanted to be on stage and to perform; it was something I remember being incredibly passionate about. It was also something, I was told, was unpractical. I kind of gave up hope of having music as a part of my every day life as I got prepared for college. I kept telling myself that I would play every day still and that the stress of college might be really good song writing material. How naive of me to believe I could actually balance passion with reality.

Performing at the Fall Festival 2016

My freshman year of college, I quit writing music almost completely. Every once in a while I came up with a good lyric, but could never follow through on the whole song. I never really performed, even though I really wanted to. I just lost touch with it. Occasionally, I would go home and my dad and I would sit at the piano for a while. He always told me if I didn't use my voice then I was going to lose it, so every time I sang with him I felt like I had to prove myself. I could still sing better than ever, and I'd be damned if I couldn't. This led to us recording songs together. He'd play while I'd sing and I we would record the whole thing; he'd share the videos we made on Facebook and people would watch them. People would watch me. In a weird way, it was like performing, except I had to read the applause.

After my relationship with Max ended, I started writing music a lot more. I think I churned out a good 3-4 songs in a month or two. I really felt like I had my rhythm for writing music back and I was in love with the things I was creating. It was a rush I hadn't felt in a long time.

I started actually doing things with music, like collaborating with a rap group in Iowa City and doing an open mic at The Mill. I had forgotten what passion really felt like. Despite being in love with writing and literature, I'm just not passionate about it in the same way I am passionate about music.

Life happens, and then music got put on the back burner again. Over the summer, I didn't play nearly as much as I could have. For God's sake my boyfriend lived with me all summer and he said he hadn't heard me play once, but that's probably because I purposely played when he was at work so he wouldn't hear me. Then school started and homework took over my entire life.

Today, feeling better now that I have my voice back, I called my dad to catch up. We talked a little bit about school and Jacob, then he asked me if I could come home this weekend to play with the band. I told him I had to work and then I explained that I no longer feel like I'm a part of the band. Every time I come home to play with them they've learned a new song that I don't know, I sing the same things over and over, and I just feel like people are tired of hearing me sing at this point. He told me I was always going to be a part of the band that we just needed to find songs I liked singing with them. I feel like he was just trying to throw out a life preserver to someone who is so obviously drowning. Then he asked me when I was going to sing again before I move to Wichita and I told him I wasn't sure. He told me I needed to perform again because I won't anymore when I move to Wichita. I told him he was wrong, but I can't really say he's entirely wrong. I can say that I'm going to play all I want, but that doesn't mean I will. I said I was going to sing all the time when I moved to Iowa City, but I never really do.

After making myself dinner and watching an episode or two of "Mom" on Hulu, I went into my room and looked at my guitar. It's been sitting there ready for me to play it for several days now. I picked it up and started playing some songs I've been working on and some songs that are just fun like old school Taylor Swift song. Then I started playing the songs I used to sing when I sang in the country band my senior year. For the first time in a while, I felt like the music was really touching me. I'm not even a big country music fan, but the memory of what it felt like to be back on that stage, back to the happy place, back to the simple place.

Suddenly, I felt completely lost within myself. I've been spending so much time chasing things and worrying about things that aren't important to me. I've been so worried about being practical that I forgot to do what I love the most. I regret letting myself believe that music is a waste of my time, because it was more of a waste not investing time into my passions.

The worst is knowing that tomorrow I'll probably wake up saying that I'm going to invest time into music; I probably won't though. I don't feasibly have enough time for homework, work, and music. It's just going to have to remain on the back burner until I can feel the need for it boiling over again. Maybe some day music will be at the top of my priorities, or maybe my dad is right: real life will take over. I hope it doesn't though. I hope I'll keep writing music and doing stuff with it, even if it's not my career. I hope that I'll perform at open mics or that I'll find the courage to post more videos of my songs on social media. For now, I think I just have to give in to real life... and I regret every second of it.